Ok, I'm going out on a politically incorrect limb here, but there is a fundamental difference between men and women. In fact, at times I wonder why men and women spend time together at all, because their styles of communicating couldn't be more incompatible.
Having raised 3 sons, like a suburban Jane Goodall, I've had the opportunity to live with and study the male of the species in its natural habitat for 28 years. Everyone talks about boys being more boisterous than girls, but the more striking difference is in how they communicate.
Women LOVE to talk. Men DO NOT. This probably causes as much conflict in a relationship as money. In what could prove to be a major breakthrough in couples counseling, it occurs to me that women should not feel slighted when the men in their lives don't listen. This behavior should be treated as we would any idiosyncrasy. Once we acknowledge that men have little control over it, then it's easier not to be offended by it.
"My husband doesn't listen to me!" becomes "oh, isn't that endearing, he's not listening again."
Observe men and women talking to each other sometime and notice their styles. First of all, a woman's story will generally take at least 10 minutes, but a man's "listening tolerance" only lasts for about 3. If the man happens to be watching television, then you must lower that tolerance to the length of a commercial.
When I have a "fun" story to tell one of my sons, I've learned to make sure they are willing to listen to the whole thing before I begin. It's helpful to prepare them for the length of time needed to stop what they are doing and feign interest. The only problem with this is that I am doing the women in their lives a great disservice, unless the women have been made aware of the policy and, more importantly, are willing to accept it.
In order to protect their identities, I will not reveal my source, but I know a man who actually begins to walk away during conversations with his wife. This is his nonverbal clue that he is done listening. While she could take this as a personal affront and even be tempted to force him to finish the "conversation", the more powerful option is to laugh it off, knowing that she inadvertently broke the 3 minute rule.
When my sons used to come home from friends' houses we would engage in conversations similar to the following:
Me: "So, "did John decide who he is taking to Homecoming?"
Son: "I don't know, we didn't talk about that".
Me: "Did you hear that Dan's family is going away for spring break?"
Son: "No, we didn't talk about that"
Me: "Do you have any plans for the weekend?"
Son:"Not yet........
On the flip side, I once gave a friend's daughter (in the same grade as my son) a ride home and I found out more information in that 10 minute ride than I had from my son in a month.
It's common knowledge that women thrive on communication, whereas men communicate through actions. I suspect that more serious discussions between men take place on the basketball court or golf course than anywhere else. Therefore, I'd like to suggest that whenever possible, women save lingering conversation for their female friends, but if they want to talk with their sons or significant others, they should join them in the driveway for a game of "Around the World".
Copyright 2011 K.K.R.
This astute post suggests that the capacity to commit one's attentional resources to certain activities depends on how desirous one is to engage in the activity in question. Funny then that many women continue to insist that men, despite their protests, engage with them in conversation. This is strikingly similar to the practice of water-boarding...not sure which I would prefer if given a choice.
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